i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
