Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
