If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
