i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
