Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
