yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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