She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
