thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
