JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
