She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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