I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
