ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
