I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
