apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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