i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
