Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
