I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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