foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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