Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
