i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize