just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
