i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
