Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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