What a fucking waste of an outfit
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
