Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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