i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I can't turn off my feet"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
