There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
