4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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