I puked a lego.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm both gender and math confused
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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