would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
