I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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