I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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