i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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