I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
