apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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