if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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