Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
