cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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