I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
