Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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