Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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