Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
