flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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