I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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