Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm sobbing to NWA
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
