I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
