I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
