Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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