Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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