Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
