I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
