finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she peed on how many people?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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