I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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