So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
