Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
