your parents love me but you hate me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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