I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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